Stir-fried Bokchoy and Spicy Tuna in Chinese Oyster Sauce.
Well what do you know, it took me around a month to make a new entry.
And I never had to write it very meticulously, as I would usually do.
This one’s pretty random.
But it pretty much sums what’s going on my mind.
It’s almost sunrise. I don’t have much to do today, as always.
I closed my eyes for a while as a nostalgic melody plays.
I can see myself, in a white room with a glass wall.
I’m wearing a black coat, a warm maroon scarf;
Just like the steampunk images that go through my head.
I’m alone, pressing lightly on the piano.
I hear the beach, the waves are so calm.
The sky is so blue, there weren’t any clouds around.
Neither do I see trees around this room I am in.
Outside this glass is just.. ..sand. waves. rocks.
I realize, this place is lacking so much color.
Everything is black, white and grey besides my scarf;
The waves.. the sky.. and me, have something in common.
I’m always blue even if the day is at its brightest.
But that is nothing compared to when it is night.
If i’ll be blue in the brightness I might as well be..
..the same shade of darkness in the dead of night.
Looking up at what I just wrote, I write like a gradeschool kid.
I’ve never been this dull when it comes to stuff like this;
Years ago I was such a writing machine.
Months ago I was a crazy composer.
I was always eager to learn something new each day.
I asked for a camera a year ago which now I don’t find much use at all.
I’d color a new page of favorite mangas I read every week.
I’d come up with a new song within an hour or two.
I’d wake up so early in the morning to write on a diary.
My high school notebooks weren’t filled with school notes but rather..
Ideas, lyrics, stuff I wanted to do.
Movies in my head that I wanted to bring to life.
When me being ambitious wasn’t being in over my head.
When me being ambitious was succesfully do what I wish to do.
I was in a band. I was an active rondalla member.
I had a life.
I can’t believe it that when I had little time,
I’d deliberately squeeze in time for these things and accomplish it.
But now that I had almost unlimited time,
I barely do anything.
I can’t accept that everything I wanted to be known for is..
..gradually turning into a past tense.
Everything I planned carefully turn out to be just..
But i’m losing my drive.
I’m losing my edge.
I’m losing the motivation.
I’m losing the will.
I’m starting to forget what this is for.
I’m starting to forget all of what i’ve done so far.
I’m losing the value.
I’m losing the attitude.
I have tons of excuses. But if this was easy to overcome;
I would’ve done it 3.. 4 years ago.
I want to be on the right track.
I want to be as productive as how I used to.
This isn’t something I could just do myself.
I need help. I need serious help.
Of course I have my friends, but they have their own problems.
Of course I have my family, but distance and time is kind of a pain.
Maybe I just need that special someone, maybe that could help.
If I’ll have that i’ll stop whining.
It’s pretty much the only thing i’m asking for.
Just someone to always slap my face and remind me a little that I do have a life.
Someone who would rather keep me awake at day and asleep by night.
Someone who would keep me off thinking about too much stuff in the wee hours.
Sometimes i’d walk around town on some occasions.
Hoping I would somehow meet someone.
Always thinking I would just accidentally bump around some girl
Then it starts there.
Sometimes being single isn’t that happy.
I’d rather live a dynamic life wherein I have my highs and lows
Rather than living with such a monotonous groove;
If it is even considered as ‘living’.
There is something I do keep going on and on about..
I miss the feeling..
I miss the feeling of being alive.
I just miss the feeling of being alive.